I have been drafting this blog post since Sunday, and I have changed it every day since. Unfortunately, this is all due to the very confusing “advice” that has been sent out to the general public (in a rather embarrassing manner) regarding “vulnerable” persons during this time. I was so proud of Malta and the way we were handling the pandemic from the very beginning, it’s sad that it ended on such a disappointing note. I want to make it clear that this isn’t in any way a political post. Anyone that knows me, can tell you that I don’t share many opinions when it comes to Maltese politics and I’m not about to start now. I vote because it’s my right and duty to vote and that’s where that ends. However, this is the reality of the situation, and it’s a situation that cannot be defended from where I’m sitting.

I debated for long between me and myself, regarding what I was going to say following the final announcement….there was a point where I considered avoiding the subject all together, for the fear of upsetting some people, or saying the wrong thing, but I didn’t think that was fair. I decided that there was something important that I needed to address above anything else and it’s something we all need to realise. I decided that it’s important to keep in mind that albeit us being vulnerable, albeit being sufferers, but even more so if you aren’t, each of our journeys in relation to this pandemic, as from today, is going to be a different one; much more than ever before. Some of us work some of us don’t, some of us can telework some of us cannot, some of us can afford to stay home some of us cannot, some of us are happy to be “allowed” back out but some of us are not, some of us have the Union’s backing and some of us do not. But despite our situations being different, I don’t think it’s been easy for anyone, and I wanted to let you all know that I see you and I wish to help with the pains and fears you’re struggling with from which ever situation you are reading this.

I am one of the ones that doesn’t need to go back to work, because I’m not working at the moment. But despite not needing to go into work myself today, I’m still struggling. I’m struggling, because firstly, I’m still trying to piece it all together and I’m also trying hard to make peace with the fact that even though I don’t need to go back to work, my husband will soon be going back to an office with 80 people and in so doing, bring home with him all the unwanted and feared germs that I have carefully and diligently kept out of the house for 12 weeks. Honestly, I’m not sure I’m ready. Because what certain people out there don’t seem to (or care to) realise is that our “vulnerability” doesn’t go away, just because we have to save the economy or people’s jobs, even though yes, I do understand the importance of that too. But I’m still very scared; this is “just” my life we are talking about after all.

How am I going to survive living like this? Living with all this anxiety as I enter this new unknown.  At first, I don’t know. At first, I feel helpless again, I cry and I doubt everything, I doubt, even the idea of having launched this blog. Because how am I going to help people out there, if on some days I can’t even help myself in spite of all my training. Then, I breathe. I ground myself and I make a choice to act. I remembered what a good friend told me just a few weeks ago… something I already knew but in the thick of all the fear had forgotten. I’m not just a warrior, I am a survivor. Despite all that I’ve been through, despite all that you’ve been through; we have survived! It was no easy feat and most likely we’re all a little bruised and tattered, but here we are, body and soul, we have managed to survive. So, what we need to do when we feel confused, when we feel scared, and it’s all just a little too much too soon, is stop … and look deep within ourselves for that inner strength and remind ourselves of the resilience that we’ve always had.  We have to believe, that no matter what happens at this point, somehow, we will survive this one too, because we are made that way, and we are strong that way!

The reality is, we cannot control whether or not we will ever test positive for Covid19, nor can we control the possibility of a second wave, but we can control our thoughts and our mind. Let’s not let our mind control us.  Because, from that place, there is nothing left to do but give up and we cannot give up, surely not now. We might still be somewhat vulnerable at this stage of our journey, but we aren’t victims, so let’s not let our mind make us so.

Covid19 might be “behind us” according to some, but the truth of the matter is that it might not, so let’s keep taking all the precautions we need to take, let’s keep taking care of ourselves and our mental health even more, in front of all these uncertainties. We focus on what we can control. We eat well if we can afford it, we exercise if we can, we meditate if we know how, we pray if we believe, we trust in something bigger than us, we go to therapy or call a friend or a helpline. We reach out, we wash our damn hands, we keep those masks on and we tell everyone we know going out to wear a mask or a face shield and to wash their hands too. The fear will never entirely go away and I can’t take that fear away from you or from myself just by writing this blog. But we can try keep this fear at bay by keeping the reality of the situation in our minds. And the reality of today is; things seem to be better right now, but even more importantly, we are strong enough to get through this no matter our situations. We are fighters. We are survivors. So, we keep going, we hang in there till this virus really does disappear or that vaccine is out and we can add Covid19 as just another battle we bravely fought, and survived; and this one, we can say we’ve survived together.